My husband and I argue often. We have fought about so many things over the past few years. Parenting, communication, relationships, support, money, sex, and values are the topics we have talked about. We have probably talked about topics at nauseum, but for someone who is an introvert, I have so many thoughts often. My mind goes a million miles an hour, and I don’t talk about even half of it.
We have been together almost three years, and you would think that it has gotten better. I know it is my fault. I know that my mental health causes me to think the worst at times. To think that it is me against him, that I am misunderstood and have no voice. In my past, I have only had one real boyfriend, me usually being a “side chick.” My past has caused me to have a victim mentality, to think that I am unworthy, to think that I am not worth being someone’s number one. When I get anxiety or have trouble with change (I have adjustment disorder), I worry it is only a matter of time before he leaves me, that my mental health issues are too much for him.
Fortunately, I am married to someone who although he may lose patience, at the end, he still loves me. He knows I continue to work on my core values and challenging my thinking. We learn that even if I start a conversation accusing him of not telling me something, or challenging him and saying I feel like I don’t have any decision making skills in our relationship, we learn how we can better work together. By us re-commiting to each other each day and by deciding to love each other each day, I am learning to re-wire my brain.
What I have Learned:
I have learnt that I have to challenge my thoughts. I am very prone to my feelings, and often times my negative feelings dictate my behavior, especially when I am tired or been feeling unappreciated. Every person has a different love language and unfortunately our terms of love languages are different. On days when my emotional tank is empty because I am tired and haven’t been receiving my love languages in the terms I understand (my love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch), I lack self-confidence and lack patience.
I cannot force my husband to tell me he loves me or tell me compliments. I cannot force him to hold me when we are two parents trying to complete chores and manage the household. He also gets tired, he also has his own emotional tank that needs to be filled. I have learned that I need to be my own cheerleader. I have to be my own person who compliments myself so I can be who I need to be for him.